By Bob Ditter
My last column concerned a camper who, while at times helpful and eager
to please his counselors, was often mean or hurtful to other boys in
his group. I suggested that if "Charlie" could not be helped
to control his periodic impulse to harm other children, not only would
he have a poor experience at camp, but so would every hapless camper
who came near him! I then outlined a series of steps to address his behavior.
In that prescription, I left out one critical element — his parents.
These days, any discussion about camper behavior is incomplete without
careful consideration of the parents — specifically, when and how
often to call them; how, if at all, to involve them in the process of
their child's adjustment to camp; and what to do if they have a
negative reaction to any less than flattering news about their child.
The relationship parents have with their children today and the ramifications
this has for people working with them is sufficiently complex enough
to need its own forum. In fact, parents are so involved with and worried
about their children that any response to camper behavior should, as
a matter of course, include some thought about what I call "the
parent factor."
Defining the Parent Factor
When you take the potential influence parents can have on their child's
attitudes and combine it with the trust they have in you and your program,
you have the parent factor. It is crucial to take the parent factor into
account when addressing camper behavior, because how parents work with
you or against you has everything to do with how successful you are going
to be with their children. A parent who doesn't trust you or give
you the benefit of the doubt when a problem arises may align himself
or herself against you and undermine your good efforts. I recall a camp
parent a few years ago who, after hearing that the camp had decided to
handle her daughter's rude and offensive behavior toward other
girls by preventing her from going to a coed camp "mixer," called
saying she had polled her friends and they all agreed that the camp's
response was "inappropriate." "The ‘vote' was
decisive!" the mother exclaimed. She and her friends had determined
that her daughter should not have to suffer the deprivation of missing
out on this highly anticipated social event! (The camp director responded
by saying he was sure that when she and her husband addressed their children's
misbehavior at home, they didn't poll the neighborhood first to
get agreement!)
Dealing With Anxious Parents
Years ago the parent factor did not loom so large in the life of camp
professionals. Back then the prevailing attitude among camp professionals
toward parents was something like, "Give us your child, get out
of our way, trust us to do what we do well, and your child will be better
for it!" Parents were, by and large, not as demanding, not as involved,
not as worried as parents today. These days, parents plant cell phones
on their children — the devil may care about camp rules! — and
instruct them to call them if they have a problem. These days, parents
scan the camp photo galleries on the Web scrutinizing their children's
faces for any perceived sign of discomfort or ailment. One camp mother
developed a "secret sign" with her sons that they were instructed
to flash in camp photographs to indicate how they were doing — a
sort of "thumbs up, thumbs down" ways of their letting her
know whether she could relax because everything was okay or whether she
should speed-dial camp and find out what was wrong. Some parents are
so protective of their children that one day camp director recently reported
a mother who insisted on coming to camp everyday to hold a towel up for
her young daughter who was too shy and embarrassed to change for pool
time in front of other children!
What accounts for this worried, over-protective effort on the part of
so many parents to manipulate their children's world? Wendy Mogel,
in her book, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee, gives us some clues. She
suggests that parents, constantly barraged by dreadful news from a media
intent on playing on our fears, are anxious about preparing their children
to live in a world with such a seemingly uncertain future. Parents look
to give their children every advantage, every extra "edge," and
work hard to build up their children's self-esteem — a way
to buttress them against the set backs of a cruel and fateful world — by
telling them that everything they do and say is special and exceptional.
Unfortunately, the effect is that children are both pampered and over
protected, resulting in their being at once demanding and unable to cope.
Responding to Parents
So how, practically speaking, do camp professionals respond to parents
today? First, remember that you build your reputation with parents over
time, one interaction at a time. The phrase I have always used for this
is "money in the bank." Not only do we make deposits into
the "accounts" of campers, we do it with parents, too. Parents
talk to one another. When they do, they create a "buzz." The
buzz you want to create is that you are honest, knowledgeable about kids,
a good listener, and careful and thoughtful in your dealings with people.
You don't even need to create this buzz with all your parents,
just a critical mass. It is your good reputation ("They got back
to me right away!") and it is your attentiveness to detail ("They
called us after the kids arrived to tell us they were okay!") that
sustains you when you have an especially challenging parent situation.
Second, you need to keep parents better informed. Parents tell me that
when a camp director or teacher calls, they don't want to feel
as if their child is being judged, especially if their child has been
exhibiting poor behavior. Parents feel responsible for their children's
behavior and become defensive as it is. Keep your voice and your approach
neutral and focused on solving the problem, not on blaming. Parents also
want to know the truth, delivered compassionately, and what it is specifically
you want from them. Do you simply want to keep them informed? Do you
need their help in sorting out possible responses? Remember that parents,
if surprised by their child's behavior, may want to figure out
why. While interesting, it is usually more productive to figure out what
will help. What have they tried in the past? Knowing their child, what
approach might work best? Would it be helpful for parents to get on the
phone and back you up?
In the case of Charlie, for example, I suggested that the camp call parents
sooner rather than later and describe in neutral, non-judgmental terms
what the boy was doing. If Charlie's parents express surprise,
the only thing to say is "yes, I can imagine it must be surprising
to you! I am sure this is troubling to hear! That's one of the
reasons we're calling — to let you know we want to help him
with this if we can!" If they claim that they have never heard
of him doing this sort of thing, even if you suspect otherwise, take
them at their word, and say, "Children behave very differently
depending on where they are and who they are with. I am sure Charlie
doesn't act the same way at your holiday table in front of his
grandparents that he does when he's out on the playground with
his friends and no adults around." I like to talk about the situation
as an opportunity to help Charlie learn new ways to make and be friends.
While you can't give a guarantee (after all, you're not running
a used car lot!), you can certainly promise to work with Charlie, and
tell the parents your plan. (See Camping Magazine, November-December
2005, "In
the Trenches" for those details). Also, once you
have identified a problem-behavior, parents, no matter what you say,
will worry. Make sure you get back to them with an update. As we all
know, things can move rather quickly at camp. In less than twenty-four
hours the situation can deteriorate or improve drastically, which means
parents need updates. Once parents hear good news, they want to believe
that the problem is resolved. To call them four days later with a bad
report will feel like an ambush.
Last, don't spend too much time on what Dr. Mogel calls the "lunatic
fringe!" The mother who insists on coming into day camp and holding
that towel up for her daughter needs a firm, clear, calm "no!" If
she leaves, there will be several other parents who go, "thank
goodness you took a stand with her!" Don't let the unreasonable
antics of a few parents color your entire outlook on parents in general.
One last note: I have always found that, once parents sense my compassion
and personal interest in their child, they want my help. Parents, regardless
of what it may seem, want allies. If you come from the mind set that
parents are a bother, it will make you less effective. If you can put
yourself in parents' shoes and sense their uncertainty, it will
help you fashion responses that are not only more successful, but will
add to your reputation as a fair, reasonable, compassionate professional.
Isn't that the kind of adult you would want to entrust with your
child?
Originally published in the 2006 January/February
issue of Camping Magazine. |
