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By Bob Ditter
Dear Bob,
No matter what type of camp you run it seems that the number
one reason kids come back to camp is because of
the friends they make. Do you have any ideas for
staff training that would help staff to coach new campers on making
friends?
Thank you,
Norbert
Windridge Tennis & Sports
Camp at Teela-Wooket
Dear Norbert,
Friendship is
certainly a major part of what camp is about for
kids. That having been said, some kids are very
adept at making and keeping friends while others are shy or more cautious
or simply not as comfortable making friends in the context of group
life that is such an essential feature of camp.
The first tip I would
offer staff is to help the process along by "talking
it up" with the kids in their own group. When counselors
take an interest in their campers by asking about
their interests; hobbies; favorite movies; life at home
(pets, brothers and sisters, and so on); it makes
it easier for the campers themselves to get to know one another.
The kids who are shy can sit back and watch the
counselors for a while, joining in the conversation when they feel more
comfortable. This kind of back-and-forth small talk happens best when
done informally, like when just sitting around or walking to a meal
or activity, but it can also be promoted by having short "get-to-know-you"
group meetings.
One fun thing to do with campers that
promotes sharing is creating a "list of firsts"
for campers. As a new camper does something at
camp they've never done before, they report it
to the group and write it down on the list. Having a check-in meeting
with campers once or twice a day to see who's
done something new that day can help promote those
friendships by promoting common interests among campers and by helping
campers share their excitement about doing new things at camp. Another
approach with new campers is to create a "sharing
chart," where campers contribute to a kind of group score by sharing
with one another. Besides sharing things, like
toys or equipment or games or "stuff," campers can get credit
for sharing feelings; stories; time together; personal
space (sit on my bunk, sit next to me at lunch); chores (sharing work;
or the attention of the counselor. For more details about the sharing
chart concept, just e-mail me at bobditter@gmail.com for my handout
on "Teaching
Social Skills to Campers."
When it comes to coaching a camper
who is shy or having trouble making friends, one
solid tip is to teach that child to show their
interest in other kids by asking good questions and letting the other
kid do the talking. For boys that might be asking what that other kid's
favorite sport is to watch or their favorite video game to play at home
or their favorite thing to do after school. For girls it might be their
favorite pop star or their favorite clothes. For either boys or girls
asking about a family pet is a sure way to get another camper to share
in a friendly kind of way. There are many things
a counselor can prompt a camper to ask about — hobbies;
sports or games; or things they might collect.
Tell campers: "Asking about other kids takes the pressure off
of you — you get to listen, sound interested, and learn more about
someone new that can help you find things you have
in common." For
kids who are shy this is a helpful strategy.
In
fact, teaching campers how to find common ground
with one another is a great way to help them become friends. There is
a quick activity counselors can play with new campers called "three
things in common" where a small group has to "discover" three things
they have in common that can't be figured out by just looking at one
another (like "all
the same color eyes," same T-shirt, etc.). The
more kids talk and share, the more unusual the things they find
that they have in common. Those things might be
interests they share, games they like, activities at camp they want
most to do, places they've visited, and so on.
One of the hardest things
for a shy child to do is to join in a game or activity
other campers have already started. Teach them the simple phrase, "Hey,
can I join you guys?" As elementary as that may sound, you shouldn't
underestimate how difficult that can be for a shy or insecure young
person to master.
The most important way to help kids make friends
is to create the conditions where they can do it
organically—that is to say, on their own
through their own natural instincts. Getting children to play together
is the most natural way to help them build friendships. As I suggested,
some campers have more difficulty making friends in the context of the
group. It may be that they are overwhelmed by the stimulation of many
people talking at once, or they can't decipher the complex interactions
in the group. Whatever the case, counselors can help such a child get
a footing in the group by taking that one child with one or two other
campers on a kind of "play date at camp." In what I call
a "triple
play," just having two or three campers do something fun together,
can help promote friendship. What is important
about this "play
date" is that it be as fun as possible. The more kids play with
abandon, the better they bond! For new campers
getting them in the water can be fun, but whatever
you do, make it an activity all the kids enjoy.
One of the other aspects
of friendship that is not talked about too often
but which is equally as important as coaching campers to make new friends
is how to keep the friends they've made. Sustaining friendships is its
own set of skills and involves more complex social maneuvering, like
sharing friends, taking turns (not always having it your way), compromising,
making an apology or making up when you have a
fight, admitting your own mistake, being a good listener, and so on.
These are all great friendship skills that will last a lifetime — part of that great set of "life
skills" camp has always promoted.
Originally published in the 2009 July/August
issue of Camping Magazine.
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